


Lies

by ShiaSae



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:22:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29503359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShiaSae/pseuds/ShiaSae
Summary: The most painful is not seeing someone hurt and crying. The most painful is when they say “I’m fine”But then, if you say it out loud, the problem might disappear by itself
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin
Kudos: 13





	Lies

— Please stop hurting yourself. 

— I’m not.. what are you saying? 

— Come on, I’m not blind. You do this every time you feel weak or sad. 

— Oh, drop the bullshit. You talk like you know me very well. 

— Please, I’m not-

— Hyunjin?

— What?

— Get out of my room. 

He stared at him for a moment, then got up silently and as silently left the room. He felt as though Jisoung was right and it wasn’t his business after all. Although anger and fear wouldn’t let go. 

To be completely honest, he could’ve guessed all the whys. He just didn’t know how to help. Hyunjin, too, often closed the doors to the world and hid somewhere in TV dramas, web novels or games. More often he danced himself to death, and when things got really rough, laid down and stared at the ceiling without eating or even showering. Mild stress made him just loud and oversensitive.  
For Jisoung it was eating too much or too little, listening to something that would create that look on his face, not cleaning up any mess, and not talking to anyone. Everyone had those times. But then — he would come to him or someone else, and he would tell them his fears, concerns and worries. For some reason, Hyunjin felt like it was a little too much this time, and despite himself Jisoung didn’t share with anyone — he just pretended nothing was happening. 

This why he wouldn’t understand. 

He knew Jisoung was hurting and whatever he chose to hid behind, was making him hurt even more, even if that would simply be thoughts. Hyunjin wanted it to stop. 

Awkwardly standing just a couple meters behind, Hyunjin didn’t know how to behave — Jisoung clearly avoided him. 

— Hey, do you want to get a hot pot after the concert? 

— No I’m tired. 

— Can we talk at least?

— I said I’m tired. Let’s go back to the stage. 

He looked extremely skinny and it was painful for Hyunjin to see. He didn’t know how to talk or what to say or should he be doing anything? Maybe it really isn’t his business. 

Next day was off, finally. But Hyunjin couldn’t relax as his attention was glued to Jisoung, and when everyone left, he stayed because wanted to make one more attempt. 

*knock-knock*

— Who the hell is still here just let me sleep!

— Um... I thought little squirrel would need some nuts? — he squeezed his hands through the door with a white bag, — It smells nice. 

After a moment of silence which seemed like being trapped in eternity, a loud sigh was followed by simple “come in”. 

— I thought maybe we could watch something? Or maybe go for a walk if you’re down? 

— I thought you’d go see your parents. Doesn’t seem like we’re getting a lot of time off anytime soon. Ban Chan said we might even be off tomorrow too. 

— I just wanted to see you, — he tried hard not to blush on his own words but something was telling him he did not succeed. 

— Why worry? I’m ok. I’m just tired. 

— We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. 

— There’s nothing to talk about, — said Jisoung with a painfully emotionless face. 

And silence again. Hyunjin was so afraid he did something wrong again, but what? There were no rules or books on how to comfort Jisoung when he’s sad. 

He felt like very soon he would be the one that needs comforting. 

— It’s good, — Jisoung broke the silence with a full mouth. Hyunjin melt with a smile. 

— I’m glad. Can I have a bite?

— No, — he responded, stretching out his hand with a piece of chicken. He looked adorable. 

— As this is your fault that I am not in a sleeping coma, we are doing what I want. 

— Alright, — smiled at him Hyunjin. 

He put on some music and sat on the floor leaning against his bed. 

— Tell me why you’re here. Be honest, — his half tired half sad look along with serious intonation was so much out of character it felt surreal. 

Hyunjin waited a minute for thoughts to get together, also considering to retreat. Then he spoke, and words went like liquid. 

— I miss you. We used to talk so much, and you would always tell me if something was wrong or annoying. You once told me that I was the only one you felt comfortable with talking about shit, that our weird hate-built relationship made it very easy for you to open up. And now... something is obviously very not right, but you put up a wall and it’s making me very helpless and angry, and I really want to help but don’t know how. It feels like whatever I do is not what you need and that it’s not my business at all, and maybe it’s silly to try because you don’t trust me for real and it’s just unimportant stuff you can talk to me about. And told you I am not blind, you lost about half your weight and you look either like you’re going to cry or to smush something. And it’s scary, especially when I get this look because it’s like telling me again I’m not among the people you trust. Sometimes I feel like it’s my fault. Oh fuck... I can’t believe I said it all, — he added more quietly, almost sobbing, and fell silent hugging his knees and not being brave enough to look at Jisoung. 

— Oh, — for a long moment, that was the only thing he could come up with. Jisoung had wanted to reassure him, tell him he was ok, but now it seemed ridiculous. 

When Hyunjin did not make any sound in long minutes, Jisoung knew it was his turn to talk. 

— Gosh, why are you so... penetrating? — he fell to bed with a long tired sigh, — I mean, I feel guilty that you’re so worried, I had no idea. I also didn’t know I made it so obvious, — he followed with a bitter laughter. 

There is something I am trying to figure out, but you don’t worry about me ok? — he continued, — I am maybe a bit less entertaining, but I’m fine, I pr-

— How can I not?! I am your friend, or you forgot? — Hyunjin stood up from the floor looking angry as if he was betrayed, — why can’t you talk about it? You usually do and it usually helps, so what is the problem now?

— Hyunjin, I- well, um, it doesn’t really matter. I can’t talk about it right now. I just can’t. Don’t make me please. I don’t want to, it’s different this time, and I... please don’t ask about this.

Hyunjin sat next to Jisoung not looking at him. He didn’t know how to ease the pain he was sensing from Jisoung. Or was it his now?

After a nod and a painful hug that Hyunjin maybe needed even more than Jisoung did, they somehow broke the awkwardness and decided to watch a drama which Hyunjin was very fond of lately. 

He was laying on Jisoung’s shoulder, palming his hand softly. He was thinking about the thing that was so painful or unbearable that Jisoung didn’t want to share. 

— You know, I am always here, if you need me. And whatever it is, it can’t break our friendship. 

— I know. And how can you not blush saying such embarrassing things? — he laughed it off

— Oh I did, I actually do pretty often. You know, when I-

— I like guys. 

— What?

— I like guys, not girls, — he repeated. — I mean, at least I think so. 

Hyunjin sat up to have more room for staring with widen eyes. 

Then, at last, he relaxed and simply said:

— Welcome to the club. 

This time it was Jisoung’s turn to stare. 

— What? You too?! Why didn’t you say anything?

— I can guess you may understand the reason. 

— Oh. Does anyone else know?

— No one. I guess you haven’t told anyone else either?

— No. 

They sat in silence for a moment. 

— Wow. 

— Yeah. 

— You know, it’s such a relief. I thought I wouldn’t be able to tell anyone. 

— Yeah me too, — replied Hyunjin, then he added — See? I told you nothing can break our relationship.

They were hugging for a long moment, and Hyunjin was secretly glad to hear this news. He was thinking now about it, and it made him nervous for some reason. He was afraid to be too obvious with his attention to Jisoung now, when they became a little more emotionally naked in front of each other. 

The movie was long forgotten. They ordered food and were sitting on the floor with very little light and music which made the atmosphere uncomfortably intimate for Hyunjin. 

— When did you know? — asked Jisoung. 

— Hm, I think, when I just became a trainee? There was this thing about not dating anyone, that’s when I thought about relationships, and it was very strange for me to be liking a girl, seemed unreal. I realized I never really liked anyone, I mean, a girl. But I didn’t think I was gay, I just knew I was different. Then, — he looked up at Jisoung and his ears went red, and he tried to find where to look just to not look at him, — then, well, I liked someone, and it was a bit more clear how exactly I am different. I was a little older this time and knew a little more about this kind of stuff. 

— Oh. I see.

— What about you?

— Oh, um, yeah, same. I mean, I didn’t think about it at all until I liked someone, — he looked at the floor, and Hyunjin couldn’t read his expression. 

— Oh, — Hyunjin said quietly. — Which means that you are in love with someone right now because it happened recently I am assuming. 

— Why in love? I mean, you are too quick with your conclusions, — he went shy and Hyunjin sadly thought that it was adorable. 

— I just think that your realization alone wouldn’t make you that depressed. I think — I don’t know, I was quite down myself, but that was because I wanted to be liked back, so I thought that’s the case with you, — Hyunjin was shy too and he talked very quiet, and Jisoung unconsciously moved a bit closer, which made Hyunjin even more shy and more quiet. 

— Maybe you’re right. Although I didn’t even wish to be liked back. Did you tell that person? That you liked him?

— No, of course I didn’t. 

— Maybe you should?

— You must be kidding. 

— Only half kidding. 

— Then you should too!

— I will if you tell me who he is!

Hyunjin went completely red and thought it was very hard to breath for a moment. He couldn’t even imagine this scenario. 

— No way I am telling you, you’re gonna make fun of me! — he tried to laugh it off, but it must’ve looked very painful. 

— Whatever. I’m not telling you either. 

— Whyyyyy? — this time he played almost offensive. Although he kept on an act, he knew that knowing who Jisoung had a crush on wouldn’t make him feel better — it would only make him hate one more person. 

Jisoung showed him his tongue and laughed. Then he asked:

— But... do you think it would feel easier to tell the person you liked him?

— I don’t think so. It would’ve worsen the relationship we have, maybe even would’ve broken it. 

— Oh so you’re friends?

Hyunjin’s heart skipped a beat. 

— Oh no, is it someone from the group? — Jisoung guessed by a scared look on his face. 

Hyunjin felt like being trapped, he felt dizzy and his head was hot. Jisoung mustn’t know. He mustn’t find out. No way. 

— Woah really? Who is it? 

— I will show you my crush if you show me yours. 

— Hey no that’s unfair!

— No that’s actually very much fair. 

Jisoung sighed and then fell silent. He seemed thoughtful. 

— Ok, — he said at last, and his voice was shaking. — ok let’s do it. 

Hyunjin regretted the day he was born. How could he be so stupid to promise such thing? Although... maybe the weight on his shoulders would be a bit lighter?

— Alright. Ok. — breath in, out , — I will open his picture and show you on 3. You do the same. 

They prepared, both seemed nervous. 

— Ready?

— Yes. 

— One, two, three. 

It was very disappointing and frustrating to see a picture of a dog on Jisoung’s phone. He cheated and it felt... well, awful. Hyunjin felt dizzy again and he got up and left as fast as he could while Jisoung was a bit frozen with shock. 

He found himself outside in front of the company twenty minutes later, not remembering how he had gotten there. He went inside hoping to find no one in the practice room. 

Nothing else was more comforting then practicing hard and moving through pain. He liked Billie Eilish at those times and some other sad music from the playlist he put together himself. 

It wasn’t helping. 

Then, when playlist reached recent Jisoung’s song, it made his heart bleed. 

What was he going to do now?

He sat on the floor, hating the song and not being able to switch it off. He was sweating and breathing heavily, but didn’t feel any better. 

— I was hoping to find you here. 

Oh, he couldn’t say how much he didn’t want to turn around. 

— We’ll talk later, now leave me please. 

— Hyunjin, I understand you are upset, but let me explain..

Hyunjin couldn’t hold, he stood up and screamed: 

— You showed me a dog picture! That’s cheating, you just- do I mean that very little to you?!

— Hyunjin, I’m sorry, I was just afraid and...

— Do you think I wasn’t?! I think in this situation you don’t really have the right to be more afraid than I was!

— Hyunjin, just let me explain...

— I don’t care honestly whatever that person is, and I don’t need your apologies or your pity, I need to practice, so GET OUT!

Jisoung fell silent but wasn’t moving. 

Hyunjin wasn’t moving either, now he was waiting for the moment Jisoung was really going to leave and that would bring relief and more pain. He couldn’t control himself, he didn’t know how to. If he didn’t scream, he thought he would burst into tears. 

When it was clear that no one is moving and Hyunjin is no more screaming, Jisoung said very quietly:

— It wasn’t just some dog, it was Kami. And I just thought we would laugh about it and talk about your crush or if you were upset I would’ve explained... I just didn’t expect to see my picture on your screen. If I knew, I would put you instead of your pet. 

Only Hyunjin’s heavy breathing was breaking the silence. The room felt too small and it was way too hot. It took a very long moment for him to understand the meaning of Jisoung’s words. 

— You are not kidding? 

— This would be too cruel for a joke, Hyunjin. Although I had wished it wasn’t real until I saw myself on your screen. 

— Oh. 

After another moment, Hyunjin cut all the distance between them, and when he ran into Jisoung, they fell on the flour. Eyes stung. 

In a shaky voice Jisoung said:

— I really couldn’t believe that I saw what I saw. Do you really like me?

— Jisoung, you were the very first person I ever felt something for. And the very last so far. That is actually why I hated you for so long. 

— I was afraid you would hate me if I told you I liked you, — he was crying. 

— Look at us, two paddles on the floor, — Hyunjin laughed and started standing up, helping Jisoung stand up too. Jisoung joined the laughter. — I thought you’d hate me too. 

Hyunjin hugged him gently as if Jisoung could disappear. 

— I should’ve told you earlier. 

— Maybe I should have. It all doesn’t matter now. 

— Go change and we are going back because I want cuddle and finish the drama. 

— Alright but we’re going picnic tomorrow since we’re off. Tomorrow we’re doing what I want.


End file.
